Tuesday, April 29, 2008

To: Self, (age 35). To be re-read when I turn 42

Bjay says, KAYA!


Hidden Journaling:
Today is August the 9th, year 2014, your 42nd birthday.

SELF, you gave it a good 7 years. Sometimes, it just doesn’t happen. For most, it comes easy and sometimes, unexpectedly. For the rest, it takes a lot of hard work, patience and the emotional havoc could be devastating. You did try. You both tried. It just wasn’t meant to be. However unfortunate, this will not define who you are as a woman. Medically speaking, this is the best year to give it all up. Let me count the ways:

You have a life, you’re at the pitstop before you reach the full circle. You are 42 years old today. You realized early on that you have far good things at hand and far greater opportunities achieved than an average person could. You are no longer a young woman but not quite old to quit on the beauty of life.

You love life. You got busy and always dared to push your limit. And it was a defining moment every time. For starters, you finally took up bikram yoga and did a headstand without trepidation. Remember you cracked your neck during a college pep squad tryout? You held back your tears even after you reached the dugout. You were beginning to show signs of strength early on.

You learned tap dancing, and on occasion attend ballroom dancing as well. You know that dancing was a big part of your teenage years, so it came very natural to you. You still play the 80’s music in the car player to the amusement of your friends, but you don’t care. And you have finally placed the iconoclastic Madonna as your youth’s ultimate inspiration. And Madonna hasn’t retired from the music scene either. 40 years from now when you are old and gray, you know you’ll be a rockin’ lola just like her.

You’ve stopped facepainting at parties and instead actively do volunteerism with focus on juvenile cancer patients. You love painting kids! And what better way to return the favor, you thought so yourself. On the flipside, you pursued enrolling in a beginner’s painting class. You were the oldest in the batch, but you nay cared. This is something you’ve been meaning to do since gradeschool. Maybe you were able to publish your first and only children’s book? With your own illustrations, of course. I hope besides yourself and your co-writer friend, other people actually bought it.

Then there’s your scrapbooking. You’re still so much into it but likely still doing layouts of yourself and your loved ones since there isn’t a child of your own to brag about.

You still occasionally accept event hosting. Or may have ended this weekend career altogether, you’re not so sure. You thought you’ll look too old to be doing hosting gigs, you’ll scare the guests away. One thing is for sure: you are at peace with yourself, sans the bothersome wrinkles that’s in the gazillions now. But you are happy, quite content, surrounded by so much love and supported by family and friends. Then there is Mike, your soulmate… that beautiful, amazing person and your husband of almost 15 years today.

You and Mike still laugh together over the silliest things, it eventually tightens your jaws until there isn’t any sound that comes out of your mouths anymore.

SELF, do not let your being childless define your worth as a woman. Let this fate of yours instill pride, courage and belief in yourself to prove to the mocking public that it is how you lived your life that should define who you are as a person and not of the lineage you won’t be able to leave behind in this world. Your mere existence is enough to imprint a unique little history. And despite the absence of your offspring, you still have a lot of love to give even to children who are total strangers to you. You are not devoid of being able to express “maternal love”, and you believe it is possible to bestow it onto them, albeit not as complex as the umbilical cord that connects a mother to her child. To you SELF, the word “mother” takes on a different meaning, thanks to your faith in the greatness of love that knows no boundaries.

SELF, you may not have a child of your own who will look at you like you are the most beautiful face in his tiny world; you may not experience the sleepless nights brought about a new life who needs some nursing from your warm breasts; you may not experience the joys and growing pains of rearing another human being… and you may not fully understand why you were chosen not to experience this miracle called motherhood. But ask not anymore, and instead seek peace from the fact. HE has other plans.

But if you do have a child by the age of 42, forever thank the Lord for this gift of life. HE will not expect you to mince words to verbalize your gratitude. A simple “thank you, Father” whispered into thin air any moment of the day, any day would suffice.

After re-reading this letter to yourself on the appointed day, and if the unfortunate reigned… just give your husband a tight hug, let the last stream of tears flow freely and leave every tiny bit of your emotional baggage way behind you. Together, savor and feel each other’s hearts slowly beat in unison. All is well now.

Lastly, say a little prayer of grace and start moving on. Life is always good.

April 29, 2008

About ME:
My name is Bjay and I just recently joined PS and this is my first Kaya challenge. Kaya ko din pala! I moonlight as a facepainter and sometimes do emceeing gigs on weekends so that I can be able to support my scrapbooking addiction. I am soooo hooked!


Lee i. said...

Bjay, thank you for sharing your LO with us even while you are traveling. I wouldn't have wanted to miss this for the world. First of all, I love that you wrote a letter to yourself which is both funny and touching at the same time. I hope all your dreams, wishes and plans come true. I can almost see you ticking off items from your letter when you open it again 7 years from now. Thanks for sharing. Great journalung - and I love that clock. Tick-tock-tick tock...

Donna Espiritu said...

awww bjay, napaka-touching nmn ng letter mo for yourself.. very inspiring layout, we're both in the same predicament in life and i love the encouraging and positive words you wrote in your letter. :)

Susie said...

If there is a voting, i will definetely vote your LO, didn't think that i can write a letter to myself ;-) Very interesting and touching letter. I was in the same boat few years back. After 8 years of non stop trying and undergoing fertility treatment, i conceived at age 37 naturally. To Donna or whoever is trying to conceive, email me and i'll share what i've done medically and stupidically to conceive.

Alby said...

Bjay! Love your layout. Love your journaling. Why didn't I think of this? Haha! Like Donna, I can totally relate. While I was actually doing my layout, at the back of my head, there is this small voice asking me "what if it never happens?" So, I'm glad to read your letter and all I can say is amen to that!

Issa Virtucio-Lucido said...

Love your layout and letter Bjay!

Anonymous said...

hi, lee!
thanks for all the assistance while I was uploading my entry from region 10 :) salamat for the appreciation. and for the rockin' challenge!

hi, girls!
that letter was made many days prior to LO execution and there were tears in-between while I was composing it. epitaph ko na yata ito :) thanks for all the kind words too.